Project Get A Grip - the Plan

I am at the crossroads of familiar frustration. Again. Piles of clothes, piles of paper, piles of stuff. Piles of uncorrected school work, no plan for homeschool, no plan for meals, no plan for work. Piles in my brain.

noplanplentyofpilesyadayadayada!

Is this ADHD? Is it life in the 21st century? Is it just me???

There are two directions at this crossroad. One is throw my hands up and continue the present course, mired in frustration. The other is to plant my feet and get a grip.

So begins "Project Get A Grip". It's what I say when friends ask me how I'm doing.

"What ya doin' these days?"

"Oh, you know, just trying to get a grip."

Over and over and over, I hear myself saying those words. You know it's bad when one of those friends says, "So, what's your problem?" 

Ouch

I think life in the 21st century has a lot of people struggling to keep up. ADHD compounds those problems. I also think that it's real important to keep a balanced viewpoint about it all. I tell David that ADHD is a big deal. It's tough. Yet, there are much worse things that we could be dealing with on all sorts of levels. The proper perspective is a balancing act and I try to stay on the side of optimism. I keep trying because practice makes progress. If I lose my optimism, I'll lose everything and then I'll just have to punch myself in the face! Absurd, right?

I don't know where this will go. To be honest, I'm not starting at square one with this. I've been working on things, learning strategies, brainstorming and implementing all along. However, it still hasn't come together to meet my satisfaction. It's all about those dang piles! This project is about bringing all the strands together to create a lifeline. I'm not looking for perfection. I AM looking to not lose the dang keys all the time!

Anyway! The project will begin with this: The Master Pile

Cheers,

leapinlily

ADDclasses.com

Some time ago, I stumbled onto this website and found it to be immensely helpful in our continuing quest to treat and manage ADHD. ADDClasses.com offers virtual support and continuing education in the field of Attention Deficit Disorder. The teleseminars are free for a period of time (registration is required) and also for a period of time, you can download the mp3 recordings of the seminar for a nominal fee. Not only can I store it on my computer for future reference, but I can burn a CD so that my husband can use his workday commute to keep up with the information and direction that David and I are trying to incorporate in our homeschool and our daily lives. A huge thumbs up for this one!

I recently listened to a teleseminar hosted by ADDClasses.com and the guest speaker was Laurie Dupar of Coaching for ADHD. Her topic was "The Top Three 

ADD/ADHD Medication Pitfalls and How to Avoid Them." Not only did she offer a wealth of information about medications, she also offered a couple of tools to the seminar participants. One is a list of key questions to ask the prescribing doctor for ADD/ADHD medications. The other is a medication log to assess the effectiveness of a change in medication. Since we are in a medication evaluation mode right now, these tools will be invaluable!

I thought I would pass this along. Hope you find it helpful :)


Cheers,

leapinlily

Can $3 equal instant gratification?

I have long observed that MY money burns a hole in David's pocket.

David wants a BMX bike that cost $350. What kid wouldn't, eh? But, really, $350!? I'm mystified by the seeming lack of obstruction to obtaining the bike raised in David's mind by the price tag on said bike.

Oh! and he wants an iPod. Me thinks that iPods require a data plan of some sort. I don't really know because I have a cell phone that is just a cell phone. The contract was paid in full a year ago. We did not upgrade and sign a new contract. Also, I have an Mp3 player that I bought from a company in China. Seriously, the confirmation email from the seller had Chinese characters in the subject line. It's a little 8G do-da that doesn't have a screen and doesn't have a menu and I paid about $40 for it. I don't know anything about iPods.

Except, that David wants one. And, a BMX. And, a laptop. And...

I have long struggled with the dilemma of allowance, chores and how to put it all together. These are the choices that I've come up with:

1. Give the kid what he wants, when he wants it. As long as he keeps his grades up and stays out of trouble, he gets what he wants. I can see the merit in this.
2. Give the kid an allowance because he needs to learn how to manage money and make him do chores because he is a part of the household. One is not tied to the other. I can see the merit in this, as well.
3. Make the kid earn every penny he gets and spends. More merit.

I have tried 1 and 2. Didn't work. With number 1, since he's homeschooled, the requirements are entirely subjective and entirely up to me. Just doesn't work the same as if he were in school and will ultimately end up being one more fight. With number 2, he got the money and didn't do the work. Yup, another fight. So, we're going to try number 3. Here's how it's going to work:

1. He is now responsible for every last thing that he wants. Every pack of gum, every quarter for those blasted gumball dispensers that you see at every blasted door of every blasted retail establishment that you ever walk into... (ok, I'm ok...) every music download, BMX, iPods, you name it. If it's not necessary for life or his education and he wants it, he buys it.
2. He will have an opportunity to earn money at home. Each job will have a price that I will pay and he will get paid immediately upon completion of the job. He can earn $3 for doing the dishes. He only needs to do this another 115 times and he'll have his BMX.
3. If he chooses not to take any jobs and earn any money, he will forever hold his peace if he wants something and doesn't have the money to buy it.
4. If he chooses not to take any jobs and Mom has to do it all, there will be consequences. I'm not sure what they will be but I am absolutely convinced that there is just not enough of me to go around these days and someone besides me just might have to suffer.

There are jobs that don't get paid. Things like picking up after himself, taking care of his clean and dirty clothes and mowing the yard so Dad doesn't have to do it after working 50 hours last week.

Harsh? Maybe.

Unloving? No.

David needs to learn to work. He needs to control his desire for instant gratification. Don't we all need to learn these things? The ADHD person will face even bigger challenges in these areas because of difficulties with impulsivity and self regulation. He can knock his head against those walls within the confines of his family. We love him, we support him and we will not let him down. And, because of that, we will not coddle him anymore.

That's true love.

That's better than a BMX.

I'll keep you posted and let you know if he actually lives through this.


Cheers,

leapinlily

Experience vs. Knowledge

NPR recently published an article that was originally published in The Lancet journal on the topic of ADHD and diet entitled Study: Diet May Help ADHD Kids More Than Drugs. The study suggests that kids with ADHD could experience a significant reduction in symptoms with a very restrictive diet. Have we heard this before? Yes, we have.

The link to the article itself is posted below. I have no particular comments on it except that our personal experience leads me to believe that diet can greatly exacerbate the symptoms of ADHD but is not the cause of the disorder. Our experience says that, for us, the elimination of artificial colors (food dyes are petroleum byproducts), nitrates, soda, sugar and MSG makes a big difference in David's hyperactivity and focus. Could a diet entirely free of additives and chemicals cure David of ADHD? Maybe? We have not done a complete elimination diet, although I've wanted to for several years now. Maybe, it's time. Just to know... for sure...

What is most interesting about this article are the comments. I read almost all 238 of them. Like forums, I find the comments sections of these types of articles much more beneficial than the opinions and findings of the experts that the article is about. The expert could be viewed as a general but the people who are commenting are the front lines. When I have to choose between the expertise of one person over the collective experience of several hundred people who are living the question, I'll take the experience every time.

Just a thought. Here's the link:

Study:Diet May Help ADHD Kids More Than Drugs

The comments are fascinating!

Cheers,

leapinlily

Routine (part 1): the Conundrum

Do you have a routine? Is is productive? Don't be misled. Chaos can be routine.

Routine - 1. a regular, more or less unvarying procedure, customary, prescribed or habitual, as of business or of daily life.*

Conundrum - 1. a riddle whose answer contains a pun (Example: what's the difference between a jeweler and a jailor? One sells watches and the other watches cells.) 2. any puzzling problem or question - SYN. see MYSTERY*

This is a visual of the direction my routine takes me>>>

I have ALWAYS struggled with routine. I now have a vantage point of perspective that numbers into decades. For half my life I've attributed my difficulties in finishing what I start and maintaining routines to a lack of discipline. What I know now is that I have ADD. When I was a kid, I had ADHD. Fortunately for me and every boss I ever had, I outgrew the H part.  

In my efforts to homeschool my ADHD son, the struggle to create and sustain routine continues to be an enigma - 2. a perplexing, baffling, or seemingly inexplicable matter, person, etc. - SYN. see MYSTERY*

There's that MYSTERY word again. See what I'm dealing with here!?

I have attempted to demystify the whole routine thing with tools like planners, white boards, checklists, etc., etc., etc. However, no matter what I do, we end up right back where we started. The routine is on the floor and we're just floating... again.... just floating... like the feather in Forest Gump... taken where the wind would float it.... float... float... floating...

Today, David and I had a conversation about routine. Like, where in the heck is it? I'll blame Michigan February (NOT a lame excuse, thank you very much) and a recent round of bad dentistry that left me vicodining on the sofa. However, all excuses, lame or otherwise, do not change this fact: ADHD people will have serious problems in getting anything worthwhile or necessary for life done without a routine.

So, now what? We decide that there doesn't have to be a conundrum about routine for us. We know what the problem is and we know that it is not likely to change. I've been alive for over 50 years now and I've not conquered it. My routine will fall apart on a regular basis. Period. That shouldn't stop me from getting back to it. This is what I need to teach David. Instead of getting discouraged, we should get used to it. Recognize when it lags and don't wait too long to get back to it. Back to the tools. Back to the plan. Back to the mindset. Get back to work.

I'm off to update my planner. You should see my new planner. It's a beaut and I think it will work. Sometimes.

To be continued...

Cheers,

leapinlily

* Webster's New World Dictionary - Simon and Schuster

I Still Have Time...

The Incredibles is one of my favorite movies. In the opening scenes, Mr. Incredible is on his way to a very important appointment when he is called into service as a super hero. Looking at his watch he says "I have time." One problem is solved and he is pressed into service again. "I still have time," he says. Oh, baby, can I relate.

I have gone to great lengths to organize my calendar, my to-do list, my goals and my priorities so that I can use my time in a more productive manner.

The results that I'm looking for can be measured by two words - efficient and effective. I desire to be efficiently effective. My priorities and goals and the gajillion things that I have to do to run this life and the lives of my family need to be managed efficiently and effectively.

To that end, I've employed a strategy called 'Tidy Up Day'. On Monday, I do all the laundry, all the housecleaning (with a little help from David - logged under life skills), menu-planning, shopping list creation and calendar planning so that I don't have to be concerned with the mundane but necessary responsibilities of running a household for the rest of the week. I tried it last Monday and it worked very well.

Today, however, has been a real struggle. As I've worked on my well-planned list of mundane necessities, I've been distracted by an overwhelming desire to immerse myself in Picasa and photo blogging and Beyond Wits' End blogging and any other blog I can find. I look at my list and I hear Mr. Incredible speak in that unforgettable voice and tone saying, "I still have time." And, there I go, away from my plan and into hyperfocus land.

Here's the question. Does effectiveness have to be efficient? What if I pick off a task every two hours between long stretches of totally unnecessary self indulgence? That may negate my efficiency but, in the end, it won't impact my effectiveness, right? It's still Monday, right? Until I go to bed at about midnight, it's still Tidy Up Day. I still have time...

Cheers,

leapinlily

The First Day of Our New School

It is the first day of school. Or, rather, should I say unschool?

For the last several weeks, we have been on break. By the time our break came David and I were both completely fed up with our daily life together. For months, we have been struggling with our school at home. The tools of our school - goals and plans, math books and grammar programs, carrots and sticks - have not been working. We had given up on "meeting at the table" - our term for the daily 9 a.m. appointment at our kitchen table to begin our day of school. We were deadlocked in boredom and frustration and our homeschool was dead in the water.

What's the recurring word in that last statement? oh, yeah - DEAD!

Burnout Blues

Is it really true that only eight short weeks ago that I was filled with zeal and optimism for our home school year? All I can now say is that the bucket is empty and the fire is cold. A great curriculum is dead in the water with the exception of anything that doesn't involve me. I've gained more weight and David is still only halfway through the math course that we started last year. I'm tired, intensely irritable and ready to chase down the school bus.

I would so like to have a funny commentary about this situation. I tend to be a make the best of it sort of girl, cracking little jokes and spouting little witty quips. Really I am!

Yet, I can't one-liner myself out of this. I try to come up with a new plan (remember me? the plan your work and work your plan girl?) Solomon had me pegged when he said there's nothing new under the sun. My best plan has already been made. I just can't work it! I can't even bite the heads of Barbies. There are no Barbies in this house!

For weeks I've wallowed in this malaise, blaming it on this and that and the other thing. But, it's not this and that and the other thing.

It's me...

With the last of my energy and concern I google 'dealing with home school burnout' and come up with 82,400 results. I'm relieved to know that nearly 100% of home school parents experience burnout at least once in their home school career. And, yet, it's not home school that is burning me out. It's ADHD. His, and mine.

I can't know for sure if I would feel this way without ADD as a huge, profound factor. It is, in fact, the core issue of everything about our lives, good and bad. I think that I can assume that I would experience burnout without ADD as every commentary that I read about burnout doesn't say one blasted thing about ADD. And, right now, I would so like to have something hugely profound to say about that. But, there is nothing, nothing!! but irritation... frustration... and a desire to eat the entire plate of chocolate chunk cookies that David baked this afternoon. Maybe I should widen my vision to grasp that baking cookies can be just as important as math. As a matter of fact, I'm sure that Albert Einstein discovered the theory of relativity after eating chocolate chunk cookies.

Today I read several articles on home school burnout, while feasting on David's chocolate chunck cookies. Should I ever tackle the theory of relativity, I'll need more than cookies. I would synopsize what I've read except that I can't type and eat cookies at the same time so click here for a good one.

If all else fails and there are no Barbies, there's always DeNae.

To be continued...

Cheers,

leapinlily

Medication Mix-up

Don't make a bad situation worse.

It's Monday morning. David is in bed and will most likely be there for a while. We had a big mix up last night. We are certain that he took a dose of methylin (a long acting stimulant medication for ADHD) when he should have taken trazodone (sleep and anxiety medication). He was already in bed when he became very disoriented and confused. While the methylin doesn't have this sort of effect on him during the day, I witnessed a wild-eyed agitation that could not be the result of trazodone. In the kitchen, I found the methylin bottle sitting apart from the rest. I counted the pills and it came up short - by one. How could this have happened? Well, for one thing, the two medications look alike - round, white pills of a nearly identical size. They come in the same size and color container from the same pharmacy. While I always check the label to make sure that I am getting the right one, David just grabbed one, opened it up, saw that it looked like the right one, and swallowed it down. The methylin is a new medication for his ADHD and looks different than the previous one. This would not have happened with the old medication.

So, there we were! We had stayed up to watch the closing ceremonies of the Olympics. He had spent a good portion of that time playing a demo of a game that we vetoed because of it's questionable imagery. He was on the computer doing one thing or another until bedtime, a practice that stirs up his brain instead of calming it down. And, finally, he took the stimulant medication instead of the sleep one. End result? David is going to be up all night. And, probably, so will I.

I struggled to keep my own composure because, quite frankly, I was angry. I was angry that my own sleep was now going to be compromised. David's anxiety can be overwhelming for him. He's phobic, with scary sights and sounds being the core component of his phobia. So, I was angry that I didn't monitor what he doing on the computer and angry that he didn't monitor himself. I was angry that he didn't stop for one second and make sure of what he was doing with the medication. Mostly I was tired at the end of a long weekend and frustrated by the impending situation.

My first challenge was to decide what to do with myself. I could not allow my feelings about this situation overwhelm me and then propel me to make a bad situation worse. How could I make it worse? By making my feelings and my frustration the focus of the situation. By hammering on David for making such a stupid mistake. By letting him take full responsibility for the sleepless night I was about have. By leaving him to deal with the consequences of his actions while I go on my way to get my sleep. The possibilities for self centered thinking were nearly endless.

Truth is, David was not responsible for the mistake. ADHD is a disorder of brain function. The main components of the disorder are distractability, impulsiveness and the inability to attend. He does not choose to operate the way he does and the grief and frustration that he feels over the manifestations his disorder are profound. No good will come out of making him responsible for things that are simply out of his control.

After a moment of silence, a deep breath, and a long, hard look at the suffering child in front of me, I sideline my own feelings and fatigue and start to think win-win. I set up David on the living room couch with the tv remote. He can watch the rerun of the closing ceremonies. I get Otis to keep him company. I gently quiet him as he makes his 50th apology for being such a bone head and tell him not to worry. It was a mistake anyone could have made if they were not reading labels and we would initial the caps of his medicine bottles so he wouldn't make the mistake again. I reassure him that I am in the next room if he needs me. He becomes calm and I begin to turn my attention to getting some badly needed sleep.

Win-win thinking entails beginning with the end in mind. In the end, I want to get some sleep (David may not be able to until the meds wear off). I want a strategy to ensure that no medication mix up occurs again. Mostly I want David's self esteem to incur no further damage in this situation. ADHD is a killer of self esteem. I am his coach. My job is to find the errors of execution and figure out ways to fix them. If they can't be fixed, then I figure out how to get around them. Effective coaches build up, not tear down. As his mom, teacher, coach and one who loves him with all of her heart, my first responsibility is to do no harm. Dr. Laura Markham expressed this concept in heartwarming detail in her article Stop, Drop and Listen.

It is morning. I got my sleep and am now enjoying some some quiet time to myself while David gets his sleep. He will not wake up and remember that I was angry. He will remember that we solved the problem.

Win-win.

Best regards,

leapinlily

Today's Gonna Be a Good Day

It's Monday. I like Mondays. TGIM, right? Weekends can be kind of dicey around here as all of the disorders come together and rub each other the wrong way. Dad is disordered, son is disordered and I'm the monkey in the middle. Even the cat is disordered. He's over grooming himself. He's yanking the fur out of his big belly with his teeth! The vet says he either has a flea allergy or he's stressed. It's not fleas. The cat needs xanax. Maybe that's where my little stash has gone to, eh? So, when we get back to the routine of the week, ahem...the possibility of the routine for the week, I'm relieved. I'm hopeful. The possibilities are, well, possible!

Passwords, Keys and Phone Numbers

Applying the 80/20 rule to familiar frustration.

It has been nine days since I created this blog and published my one and only post. I had an idea for a new post and with words and concepts swirling in my head I eagerly approached my computer. I pulled up the blog, clicked the sign in button and realized that I could not remember my user ID or password. Neither had I written them down. I write down user IDs and passwords, security question answers, little picture thingys and everything else that goes along with the online life. Except this time. Oh, the familiar frustration. All the more frustrating in it's familiarity.