Too Fast, Too Much, Too Loud

Can I have my rubber room now?

Plays piano too fast. Eats food too fast. Uses too much ketchup, syrup, salt, Parmesan cheese, you name it. Bursts in the door talking at the top of his lungs without finding out what he might be interrupting. The excesses of ADHD. I can hear him gulping down everything he drinks, gasping for air in between gulps or chews or whatever else is going on in his mouth as he tries to breathe at the same time.

Sometimes I think I will go mad. He doesn't have a clue. The body is moving faster than the brain. The body is moving in one direction and the brain is going in the other.

Oprah talks about mindful living, identified as deliberate and thoughtful execution of whatever one may be doing. This admonition is not qualified by disorder or a lack thereof. She's speaking to people in general, not to ADHDers in particular. The ADHDer is equipped with a compromised executive function. The ADHD child can't even begin to wrap his head around mindful living. The ADHD executive function can be improved with medication but only to a point. Teaching mindful living to the ADHD child rests with the coach.

 
There are many types of coaches. There are football coaches, Olympic coaches, executive coaches, career coaches and the list goes on. An ADHD child will benefit from a life coach.

That would be me.

 
A fundamental difference between the other types of coaches and a parent coach is that the parent coach is coaching ALL! THE! TIME!! It doesn't end. The limits of my patience are tested from morning to night, sometimes in the middle of the night, day in and day out. In all of this, I must not lose sight of the limits of David's executive function. If I can keep that in mind - a disability perspective - then I can handle it.

But, I have more duties, responsibilities and, yes, desires, than teaching and coaching my son. I, too, have limits. Life in the 21st century is stretched to the limits. When it all becomes more than I can handle, I have found that honesty works. I don't try to be something that I can't be, like, uh, superhuman. There are times when my needs supersede his. I tell David what I need. I need quiet, I need a moment, I need a room with a closed door. If I can tell him what I need without exasperation, irritation and annoyance or the big whammo, anger, it's as good as it gets. I don't wig out. He learns consideration for other people.

Win-win.

BUT! If all else fails and there HAS to be a loser, let it be the Barbies!

Best regards,

leapinlily

Wordless Wednesday

ADDclasses.com

Some time ago, I stumbled onto this website and found it to be immensely helpful in our continuing quest to treat and manage ADHD. ADDClasses.com offers virtual support and continuing education in the field of Attention Deficit Disorder. The teleseminars are free for a period of time (registration is required) and also for a period of time, you can download the mp3 recordings of the seminar for a nominal fee. Not only can I store it on my computer for future reference, but I can burn a CD so that my husband can use his workday commute to keep up with the information and direction that David and I are trying to incorporate in our homeschool and our daily lives. A huge thumbs up for this one!

I recently listened to a teleseminar hosted by ADDClasses.com and the guest speaker was Laurie Dupar of Coaching for ADHD. Her topic was "The Top Three 

ADD/ADHD Medication Pitfalls and How to Avoid Them." Not only did she offer a wealth of information about medications, she also offered a couple of tools to the seminar participants. One is a list of key questions to ask the prescribing doctor for ADD/ADHD medications. The other is a medication log to assess the effectiveness of a change in medication. Since we are in a medication evaluation mode right now, these tools will be invaluable!

I thought I would pass this along. Hope you find it helpful :)


Cheers,

leapinlily

Tables, desks and other concerns

I love my kitchen table. The table began its service for us as a new Canadel table with a beautiful, polished wood finish. The salesman promised that it would stand up to the rigors of family life with the same capacity as laminate. I believed him. He was wrong. The table now has water marks, marker marks, scratches, and funny little holes that look like stabs of a pencil. Pencil stabbed many, many times... 

My kitchen table is the workhorse in this house. We have an open concept floor plan with the kitchen, dining and living room areas being one big room. Of all the furniture and surfaces in this big room, the table is used more than the kitchen counters, more than the sofa, more than the easy chair and certainly more than the stove and sink. It is the center of our home school. It is where the bills get paid, the pictures get processed, the family pow-wows are conducted and disputes settled.

Did I mention family dinners? No?! Imagine that!

As such, I hate my kitchen table. I really do. I have officially declared it a thorn in my flesh. My kitchen table is a disorganized pile of papers, books, pens, pencils, calculators, cameras, tape measures, CDs, dirty dishes, remotes, cell phones AND cordless handsets (and, let me tell you, they all look alike), boxes of crackers and bags of chips. Everything except my keys, which I can NEVER find! If Peter Walsh came in my house, he would zero in on my kitchen table and ask me those pointed, emotional, get to the heart of it type of questions that he is so darn good at! I can hear him now, in that charming Aussie accent:

“Now, leapinlily, does this table enhance and advance the vision you have for the life you want or does it impede it?”

“Mr. Walsh, there is no table in this room. What you're seeing is my desk and I'm hungry. Who can eat, eh, mate!?"

I recently watched a PBS biography of Mark Twain. It was a fascinating story set in a time far removed from the busy, loud, wired times in which we now live. During his married life in the mid to late 1800's, Mr. Twain lived in a large, Victorian style house full of character and genteelism. One particular sepia toned still of a table with four large wicker chairs sitting around it remains lodged in my mind. A square table cloth graced the round table, the corners of the cloth nearly touching the floor. The table had a bouquet of flowers set in the middle, goblets for water and tall, slender glasses for iced tea. Imagine that!

And, while I couldn't see the dishes themselves, as a former antique dealer, I could visualize a charming set of antique porcelain china gracing that table. The kind of dishes that weren't made for dishwashers or meals on the run. I've loved them and sold them but, never once did we eat from them.

So, I would tell Mr. Walsh that my vision for my life may only get as far as keeping up with all the activity that happens on my kitchen table. But, once in a while, just for grins, I'll get a big Rubbermaid tote and clear my busy, loud and wired life from my table and create a lovely table set with flowers and linen, goblets and my best Corelle Ware. We'll sit down as a family and eat a meal. Imagine that!

Cheers!

leapinlily

PS - this is the last post about my kitchen table, I promise!

Can $3 equal instant gratification?

I have long observed that MY money burns a hole in David's pocket.

David wants a BMX bike that cost $350. What kid wouldn't, eh? But, really, $350!? I'm mystified by the seeming lack of obstruction to obtaining the bike raised in David's mind by the price tag on said bike.

Oh! and he wants an iPod. Me thinks that iPods require a data plan of some sort. I don't really know because I have a cell phone that is just a cell phone. The contract was paid in full a year ago. We did not upgrade and sign a new contract. Also, I have an Mp3 player that I bought from a company in China. Seriously, the confirmation email from the seller had Chinese characters in the subject line. It's a little 8G do-da that doesn't have a screen and doesn't have a menu and I paid about $40 for it. I don't know anything about iPods.

Except, that David wants one. And, a BMX. And, a laptop. And...

I have long struggled with the dilemma of allowance, chores and how to put it all together. These are the choices that I've come up with:

1. Give the kid what he wants, when he wants it. As long as he keeps his grades up and stays out of trouble, he gets what he wants. I can see the merit in this.
2. Give the kid an allowance because he needs to learn how to manage money and make him do chores because he is a part of the household. One is not tied to the other. I can see the merit in this, as well.
3. Make the kid earn every penny he gets and spends. More merit.

I have tried 1 and 2. Didn't work. With number 1, since he's homeschooled, the requirements are entirely subjective and entirely up to me. Just doesn't work the same as if he were in school and will ultimately end up being one more fight. With number 2, he got the money and didn't do the work. Yup, another fight. So, we're going to try number 3. Here's how it's going to work:

1. He is now responsible for every last thing that he wants. Every pack of gum, every quarter for those blasted gumball dispensers that you see at every blasted door of every blasted retail establishment that you ever walk into... (ok, I'm ok...) every music download, BMX, iPods, you name it. If it's not necessary for life or his education and he wants it, he buys it.
2. He will have an opportunity to earn money at home. Each job will have a price that I will pay and he will get paid immediately upon completion of the job. He can earn $3 for doing the dishes. He only needs to do this another 115 times and he'll have his BMX.
3. If he chooses not to take any jobs and earn any money, he will forever hold his peace if he wants something and doesn't have the money to buy it.
4. If he chooses not to take any jobs and Mom has to do it all, there will be consequences. I'm not sure what they will be but I am absolutely convinced that there is just not enough of me to go around these days and someone besides me just might have to suffer.

There are jobs that don't get paid. Things like picking up after himself, taking care of his clean and dirty clothes and mowing the yard so Dad doesn't have to do it after working 50 hours last week.

Harsh? Maybe.

Unloving? No.

David needs to learn to work. He needs to control his desire for instant gratification. Don't we all need to learn these things? The ADHD person will face even bigger challenges in these areas because of difficulties with impulsivity and self regulation. He can knock his head against those walls within the confines of his family. We love him, we support him and we will not let him down. And, because of that, we will not coddle him anymore.

That's true love.

That's better than a BMX.

I'll keep you posted and let you know if he actually lives through this.


Cheers,

leapinlily

Experience vs. Knowledge

NPR recently published an article that was originally published in The Lancet journal on the topic of ADHD and diet entitled Study: Diet May Help ADHD Kids More Than Drugs. The study suggests that kids with ADHD could experience a significant reduction in symptoms with a very restrictive diet. Have we heard this before? Yes, we have.

The link to the article itself is posted below. I have no particular comments on it except that our personal experience leads me to believe that diet can greatly exacerbate the symptoms of ADHD but is not the cause of the disorder. Our experience says that, for us, the elimination of artificial colors (food dyes are petroleum byproducts), nitrates, soda, sugar and MSG makes a big difference in David's hyperactivity and focus. Could a diet entirely free of additives and chemicals cure David of ADHD? Maybe? We have not done a complete elimination diet, although I've wanted to for several years now. Maybe, it's time. Just to know... for sure...

What is most interesting about this article are the comments. I read almost all 238 of them. Like forums, I find the comments sections of these types of articles much more beneficial than the opinions and findings of the experts that the article is about. The expert could be viewed as a general but the people who are commenting are the front lines. When I have to choose between the expertise of one person over the collective experience of several hundred people who are living the question, I'll take the experience every time.

Just a thought. Here's the link:

Study:Diet May Help ADHD Kids More Than Drugs

The comments are fascinating!

Cheers,

leapinlily

Training the New Cook!

I am a don't wannabe cook. I don't even care that much about eating, although the size of my jeans would belie that comment. If someone would cook all the food that could be eaten in this family, I would gladly do the dishes. WHAT AM I TALKING ABOUT!? I already do the dishes. Hmmmm....

So, David likes to bake. We found this recipe on another blog and David made it this morning.

After all the mixing, it needs to be rolled out. David really likes using the rolling pin and this is much easier than pizza crust.

(ahem, I did not see "the" kitchen table in the background... I have officially declared it the thorn in my flesh...)

Knowledge is Power

Sir Francis Bacon lived from 1561 to 1626. He was a scientist, lawyer, philosopher and author. He was the father of the scientific method, much of which is still influential today in conceptions of methodology. He was also a statesman, being both the Lord Chancellor and Attorney General of England. The guy knew a thing or two. He is credited with the saying "Knowledge is power" although there seems to be some disagreement that he was the author. Proverbs 24:5 says "One wise in strength is an able-bodied man, and a man of knowledge is reinforcing power." (New World Translation) I don't know if Sir Bacon said it but Solomon did and that's good enough for me.

Knowledge is power. ADHD is no exception.I have a distant cousin whos son has been diagnosed with ADHD. To my knowledge, the only component of the treatment plan for this child is medication. Over and over again I become acquainted with situations in which treatment is simply a pill. And, over and over again, the situation proves that pills alone do not an effective treatment plan make. ADD / ADHD is a complicated and misunderstood disorder that has a profound effect not only of the disordered person but on all the people around him.

Medication alone no more treats ADHD that does insulin treat diabetes. It is imperative that the diabetic learn about his disease, alter his diet, lose the extra weight, take his medicine and so on and so forth, to effectively manage his diabetes. Wouldn't we all LOVE IT if simply taking a pill would fix the problem? Can you tell me of a single malady for which this is true?

What disturbs me the most when I become acquainted with these situations is the pain and suffering that is inflicted on the child by this attitude. Children simply can not manage their disorders on their own. Parents and caregivers must assume the position of advocate. An advocate must be informed to properly advocate ie. support. If one is depending on a pill to fix the problem and doing no more, one is only making the situation worse.

There is a wealth of information about ADHD. When my oldest child was diagnosed in the mid-80's, the topic was surrounded by controversy and misinformation. Things have changed a lot since then. Get informed. Read the books, subscribe to the magazines and newsletters, surf the blogs, talk to others. Check into the services available to your insurance, your schools and your communities. Be prepared to fight for the treatment and services you need for your child. But, remember that you can't fight what you don't know.

The ADD Information Library has a terrific series of articles on the topic of Skills that Pills Cannot Teach. Check out:

Attitude and Approach: Things that ADHD Pills Cannot Do for You

Skills that Pills Cannot Teach: B is for Breathing and Relaxation

Skills that Pills for ADHD Cannot Teach You: C is for Character

Once you're done with those, just keep going with the whole site as it is loaded with must have information. Arm yourself with knowledge so that you can help your child and do no further harm. By doing so you will help your child AND yourself.

Cheers,

leapinlily

Routine (part 1): the Conundrum

Do you have a routine? Is is productive? Don't be misled. Chaos can be routine.

Routine - 1. a regular, more or less unvarying procedure, customary, prescribed or habitual, as of business or of daily life.*

Conundrum - 1. a riddle whose answer contains a pun (Example: what's the difference between a jeweler and a jailor? One sells watches and the other watches cells.) 2. any puzzling problem or question - SYN. see MYSTERY*

This is a visual of the direction my routine takes me>>>

I have ALWAYS struggled with routine. I now have a vantage point of perspective that numbers into decades. For half my life I've attributed my difficulties in finishing what I start and maintaining routines to a lack of discipline. What I know now is that I have ADD. When I was a kid, I had ADHD. Fortunately for me and every boss I ever had, I outgrew the H part.  

In my efforts to homeschool my ADHD son, the struggle to create and sustain routine continues to be an enigma - 2. a perplexing, baffling, or seemingly inexplicable matter, person, etc. - SYN. see MYSTERY*

There's that MYSTERY word again. See what I'm dealing with here!?

I have attempted to demystify the whole routine thing with tools like planners, white boards, checklists, etc., etc., etc. However, no matter what I do, we end up right back where we started. The routine is on the floor and we're just floating... again.... just floating... like the feather in Forest Gump... taken where the wind would float it.... float... float... floating...

Today, David and I had a conversation about routine. Like, where in the heck is it? I'll blame Michigan February (NOT a lame excuse, thank you very much) and a recent round of bad dentistry that left me vicodining on the sofa. However, all excuses, lame or otherwise, do not change this fact: ADHD people will have serious problems in getting anything worthwhile or necessary for life done without a routine.

So, now what? We decide that there doesn't have to be a conundrum about routine for us. We know what the problem is and we know that it is not likely to change. I've been alive for over 50 years now and I've not conquered it. My routine will fall apart on a regular basis. Period. That shouldn't stop me from getting back to it. This is what I need to teach David. Instead of getting discouraged, we should get used to it. Recognize when it lags and don't wait too long to get back to it. Back to the tools. Back to the plan. Back to the mindset. Get back to work.

I'm off to update my planner. You should see my new planner. It's a beaut and I think it will work. Sometimes.

To be continued...

Cheers,

leapinlily

* Webster's New World Dictionary - Simon and Schuster